I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my shit smells like andre
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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