tell your sister to shave her snatch
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
