I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
