When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
