I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
