I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
