Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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