she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
