I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
