Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
