Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
