shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
