My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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