Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
