Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize