I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
