He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
