Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
