I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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