i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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