Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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