Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
