I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
