My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
