Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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