I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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