saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
