I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
