I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize