Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
