Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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