We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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