My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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