At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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