the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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