well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
