I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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