Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
