if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
