Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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