The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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