So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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