Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
