There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
