so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
