I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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