he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
