Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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