I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
