my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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