Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
