sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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