Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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