I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
