Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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