good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
