Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
