Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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