he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
